Yesterday I preached a sermon called “Marriage is” at Cornerstone. It was unlike any sermon I’ve ever preached before. As a writer, I’m no stranger to “listicle”-style articles. But I’ve never done a sermon that was a running list like that.

I ended up there because as I was studying for the sermon, I kept writing down phrases like “Marriage is ____.” And ultimately, it felt like the right formula. What’s amazing is that, despite my initial trepidation about changing my approach for this particular Sunday, the Lord clearly used that sermon in a powerful way.

A caveat: Before I drop the list below, I just want to say that I know this isn’t an easy topic. Not only can I not say everything the Bible says on the subject of marriage in a sermon or post, but I also don’t blame you if you wrestle with one or more things on the list below.

I have been seriously studying the Bible for more than 20 years. There are plenty of things the Bible says that have taken me time to accept or agree with. That’s the Holy Spirit’s job. As we submit to the Scriptures, the Spirit guides us into alignment with God’s truth.

Marriage is …

Marriage is countercultural

Every person reading this lives in a culture. The culture you live in shapes the way you see the world, just like the soil a plant grows in determines how the plant is able to grow.

The problem is that so many Christians–intentionally or not–judge what the Bible says about marriage through the lens of the culture around them. For example, they see Paul’s words in Ephesians 5 about wives submitting to their husbands and immediately look for an escape hatch: Surely it can’t mean that. Or, I don’t think that applies anymore.

That’s an understandable response. But it’s definitely not the right one. As I told our church yesterday, our job is not to stand over the Scriptures in judgment but to submit to them in humble devotion.

That isn’t easy. But it is godly.

As you’ll see in the following points, marriage is countercultural because of its pattern, its permanence, and its purpose. Biblical marriage is beautiful and healthy and life-giving. But only when it reflects God’s design.

Marriage is a covenant 

When you read through the whole Bible, you will notice that the Bible begins and ends with a wedding. God himself performs the first marriage between Adam and Eve in the garden (Gen. 2). And in Revelation 19, toward the end of John’s vision he sees the marriage supper of the Lamb, celebrating the union of Jesus and the church–the bride Jesus cleansed and redeemed for himself by shedding his own blood.

What does all of this tell us about marriage?

The fact that weddings bookend the pages of Scripture (and frequently show up throughout the Bible) tell us how much God cares about marriage. Seeing God actually perform the first marriage tells us marriage was God’s idea. And because marriage was God’s idea, he is the one who gets to define what marriage is and tell us how it works.

In Matthew 19, Jesus is scrapping with the Pharisees over marriage and divorce and Jesus reflects on what happened in Genesis 2. He emphasizes that God is the one who joined Adam and Eve together. And Jesus tells the Pharisees that marriage is a sacred bond (i.e. marriage is a covenant) because God is the one who joins husband and wife together. In other words, God not only performed the first marriage but is the one who ultimately joins husband and wife together in every marriage.

God’s design for marriage, and God’s best for humanity, is marriage as a lifelong covenant between one man and one woman. As Jesus says to the Pharisees, this was God’s pattern for marriage “from the beginning” (19:4).

Marriage is not based on how you feel 

Anyone who has been married for more than 5 minutes can tell you that marriage is hard work. Relationships begin with butterflies and romance and intense infatuation. And while its tempting to think those feelings will last forever, the truth is that they fade over time.

But marriage is not a feeling. It’s a mindset. It’s a commitment.

There’s a reason we take vows at weddings. Vows are sacred promises. We don’t have to promise to do what is easy or natural. We have to promise to show up when things are hard.

One reason marriage is countercultural is because the culture says if you’re unhappy with your spouse find a new one. The fact that marriage is a covenant, and not just a contract or good intentions, is what undergirds our commitment to our marriages. The marriage covenant is the reason we pledge ourselves “for better or for worse.”

Jesus told us, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me” (Matt. 16:24).

If you’re married, fighting for your marriage is a part of following Jesus. Staying in your marriage is a part of following Jesus. (This doesn’t necessarily mean staying in a marriage at all costs. However, I’ve known too many Christians who work harder to justify divorce than to fight for their marriage.)

Before McCaffity and I got married, we adopted something we learned from another pastor. When it comes to how we think about marriage, we always say the same thing: We have 2 options. We can be happily married or unhappily married. But we’re going to be married either way.

That simple mantra has helped us make it through almost 15 years. And I ask God all the time to give us 50 more.

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This post is running long. I’ll be back soon with Part 2.